I'm back on track again.
I'm about MagPie. Not anyone else. Not Abe, not Matt, not Chris, or Kegan. It's not even about Katie, Bree, Saleit, Jake, or Mom OR Becky for that matter. It's about me!
I got the image of the trail along the beach in my head again yesterday day when I was at the gym running. It totally helped me center myself. I Love the idea of this Beach house and this path along the beach! even if it were a wooded "walk-way" built above whatever... or a platform for steady footing, as well as to preserve the wild/natural roughage.
I really do need to paint this image I see in my head. Well, I suppose I don't have to limit it to ONE image. I can have as many as I want; it's my ideal fantasy after all! It's MY goal to work toward. Even if it mean taking action in developmental planning to make it possible! Or even if I have to Build my own house with my own hands, or remodel an already existing one, so that it has those french doors, the balconies and patios, as well as the enormous rap around porch on the first level, with fire pits, and rollers, and swings, and hammocks! A hot tub/jacuzzi with a waterfall flowing into the pool. A fairly tropical theme.
All these details I have up in my head of my ideals..... It's so bizarre to realize that, and to then connect why even though I try to not have expectation of people and situations, and Life.... I unconsciously do. And so when things don't go how I would have them idealy be, I become upset.... What I need to do is to accept that life has NO guarantees. Nothing is certain, nothing is truly in my control, no matter how much I try and manipulate. There fore. I can only keep doing what makes ME happy, and will move me closer achieve my goals,; As well as accepts what life throws at me as an opportunity to learn something new about life, myself, and the human condition. :-)
All apart of my book.
How running helps me find myself. It was once I started running, it changed me. I reflect more clearly and accurately, I am more reasonable with myself and what I should expect of myself, and what I'm truly content with others expecting from me. Finding the line that allows MagPie to take care of MagPie.
That's it for now. On to studying Intro to Music Therapy for my test tomorrow! Yay! :-/
MagPie
Monday, February 23, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
should be doin
I should be adding to my story of the crazy ex fiasco from january. However, I am not really feeling like going into that story.
I was thinking about Abe today. I was reflecting on all the nasty things that he has said to me over the last few months.
I wonder where these aweful things came from.
I find it hard to believe that the same person who told me I'm much prettier than he expected, can turn around and a month later tell me that my "extra weight" and acne make me no worthy of dating.
It seems so cruel of him. It's one thing to be honest, and let someone know that you really don't see a potential between you. It's completely different to intentionally hurt someone to make them feel like they as a person are not worthy of being cared about.
I use to weigh a lot more than I do now. There was a time when my solution to this was eating and eating, and following my meal with a finger dessert. I have spent the last year and half changing my life style and habbits to be a much healthier person. It's made me who I am, it was a long and difficult road to get where I am. And I know it's not going to be easy from here on either. I have changed myself for the better. It makes me sad that Abe can't recognize a person who is invested in their own future and making them self a better person.
The thing I make up about this, is that he is either such a narcicst that he actually doesn't even believe that he has faults himself, or he is so uncomfortable with facing his short comings that it is easier for him to point out my faults and criticize me instead of trying to improve himself.
How dare he tell me I have a "beer gut" - In my opinion, I am in better shape than he is!!!! and I'm pretty sure he's aware of that fact himself!
As for the acne issue. Not acne really. A bacterial infection from stress and chemical/hormonal imbalances in my body. Not to mention that I was doing everything I could to treat it, and it only got worse before it got better. To criticize me for something that I really don't have any control over, and is so superficial and certainly doesn't define me, is so shallow and petty. I was taking medicine for my face, doing 30 min light treatments at a laser clinic, and washing/treating my skin topically 3-4 times a day. I wouldn't leave my apartment for a week at the very least, because I couldn't let anyone see my face that way. To make an assumption about me with out taking the time to ask about it, or even get to know me as a person.
If that's what makes him feel better about being shallow and superficial.... well, to each their own.
I am only happy that I didn't waste too much of my time wondering what is wrong with me. Why he wouldn't want me....
Realisticly I didn't want him. He worked so hard to get "convince" me of his genuine intentions. He texted me day after day, all day long, out of control. And I wasn't necessarily into it at first. He tricked me into considering that he could be everything he "says" he is.
Where's the proof.
There is none!
He could be some circus clown, and he's out of town all the time because he's touring with the circus. How would I know?! hahaha I mean, that sounds so obsurd, and really not realistic, but in all reality, who knows.
All I know is that Abraham is a cold, manipulative, mean spirited duesh bag! And he's possibly one of the most selfish people I have ever met. Which is so sad, because I necessarily think that he is that way. However, all my experiences with him have shown me Abe's true colors. And they are very dark and jaded. Which makes me really sad. I really believed that I liked him.
I was thinking about Abe today. I was reflecting on all the nasty things that he has said to me over the last few months.
I wonder where these aweful things came from.
I find it hard to believe that the same person who told me I'm much prettier than he expected, can turn around and a month later tell me that my "extra weight" and acne make me no worthy of dating.
It seems so cruel of him. It's one thing to be honest, and let someone know that you really don't see a potential between you. It's completely different to intentionally hurt someone to make them feel like they as a person are not worthy of being cared about.
I use to weigh a lot more than I do now. There was a time when my solution to this was eating and eating, and following my meal with a finger dessert. I have spent the last year and half changing my life style and habbits to be a much healthier person. It's made me who I am, it was a long and difficult road to get where I am. And I know it's not going to be easy from here on either. I have changed myself for the better. It makes me sad that Abe can't recognize a person who is invested in their own future and making them self a better person.
The thing I make up about this, is that he is either such a narcicst that he actually doesn't even believe that he has faults himself, or he is so uncomfortable with facing his short comings that it is easier for him to point out my faults and criticize me instead of trying to improve himself.
How dare he tell me I have a "beer gut" - In my opinion, I am in better shape than he is!!!! and I'm pretty sure he's aware of that fact himself!
As for the acne issue. Not acne really. A bacterial infection from stress and chemical/hormonal imbalances in my body. Not to mention that I was doing everything I could to treat it, and it only got worse before it got better. To criticize me for something that I really don't have any control over, and is so superficial and certainly doesn't define me, is so shallow and petty. I was taking medicine for my face, doing 30 min light treatments at a laser clinic, and washing/treating my skin topically 3-4 times a day. I wouldn't leave my apartment for a week at the very least, because I couldn't let anyone see my face that way. To make an assumption about me with out taking the time to ask about it, or even get to know me as a person.
If that's what makes him feel better about being shallow and superficial.... well, to each their own.
I am only happy that I didn't waste too much of my time wondering what is wrong with me. Why he wouldn't want me....
Realisticly I didn't want him. He worked so hard to get "convince" me of his genuine intentions. He texted me day after day, all day long, out of control. And I wasn't necessarily into it at first. He tricked me into considering that he could be everything he "says" he is.
Where's the proof.
There is none!
He could be some circus clown, and he's out of town all the time because he's touring with the circus. How would I know?! hahaha I mean, that sounds so obsurd, and really not realistic, but in all reality, who knows.
All I know is that Abraham is a cold, manipulative, mean spirited duesh bag! And he's possibly one of the most selfish people I have ever met. Which is so sad, because I necessarily think that he is that way. However, all my experiences with him have shown me Abe's true colors. And they are very dark and jaded. Which makes me really sad. I really believed that I liked him.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Great Book Idea
So I've been talking about this book I want to write. The topic mainly being, online dating and how ridiculous it has all turned out for me so far.
from guys who reminded me so much of my brother that I couldn't imagine kissing him, to a raging narcissist who would criticize my every fault and even make things up to bring me down.
I need to start recording my thoughts that I want to include in this book I keep talking about. So I figure now is as good a time as any to start putting this stuff down and letting people read some of the absolute craziness that most certainly DID in fact happen to me.
Now that I think about this whole book idea though,
I want to incorporate it with my book idea of "Running Into Myself"
Honestly, as much bull shit as I went though with all those different guys.... I learned volumes of life lessons, that I know I will never need to learn again. These experiences, some of them being horrible depressinly debilitating heart breaks, have all made me who I am.
I certainly don't claim to be some great Humanitarian, and selfless advocate for those in need. However, I do what I can, when I can. I refuse to allow myself, to go through life basing how much I accomplish, my value, or worth on what anybody else thinks, or has to say.
This isn't to say that I don't love my family and friends, and do what I can to be open to receive their advice and help. My family has been a huge part of instilling this desire to help others. My whole family is full of people with enormous hearts, who would give the shirt off their back to help another. With out my families support in life, I wouldn't have made it to the ripe old age of 23.
Wow that sounds so old. 23. How am I 23? I'm just baffled
Back to the stuff
My family is important, and I love and respect each member of my family for their own unique reason. They all have so much to offer whatever soul is blessed enough to receive it. I have a family full of amazing role models. As of late I have come to really appreciate how much my dear friends care for me.
I have always, my whole life, had this fear in my head that the people who "care about me" don't infact care. The care they express is out of convenience. As I think about it, I am struck with the realization, that the idea of selflessness and selfishness, is quite interesting.
There is a time in life when it is required that we be selfish. To base one's life on the needs of other is to leave that individual void of any real joy, for they themselves have not had the opportunity to even consider their own needs. How do we come to determine where the boundary is. How do we go about setting these boundaries with other people? Is there suppose to be some switch that flips when people are over stepping their bounds; Because if so, either I just don't have one, or mine is broke possibly beyond repaire.
This leads my thinking to a specific experience that I've been wanting to record in writing. I am affraid that if I wait to long, I'll forget the details, and my memory will become twisted and misconstrewed.
The Matt experience in January of 09'
Just last month. Right around this date, a month ago.
the crazy ex experience....
Sooo weird.
But alass, it is to late tonight. I must retire my brain. I am so fried from school. :-(
good night blog!
from guys who reminded me so much of my brother that I couldn't imagine kissing him, to a raging narcissist who would criticize my every fault and even make things up to bring me down.
I need to start recording my thoughts that I want to include in this book I keep talking about. So I figure now is as good a time as any to start putting this stuff down and letting people read some of the absolute craziness that most certainly DID in fact happen to me.
Now that I think about this whole book idea though,
I want to incorporate it with my book idea of "Running Into Myself"
Honestly, as much bull shit as I went though with all those different guys.... I learned volumes of life lessons, that I know I will never need to learn again. These experiences, some of them being horrible depressinly debilitating heart breaks, have all made me who I am.
I certainly don't claim to be some great Humanitarian, and selfless advocate for those in need. However, I do what I can, when I can. I refuse to allow myself, to go through life basing how much I accomplish, my value, or worth on what anybody else thinks, or has to say.
This isn't to say that I don't love my family and friends, and do what I can to be open to receive their advice and help. My family has been a huge part of instilling this desire to help others. My whole family is full of people with enormous hearts, who would give the shirt off their back to help another. With out my families support in life, I wouldn't have made it to the ripe old age of 23.
Wow that sounds so old. 23. How am I 23? I'm just baffled
Back to the stuff
My family is important, and I love and respect each member of my family for their own unique reason. They all have so much to offer whatever soul is blessed enough to receive it. I have a family full of amazing role models. As of late I have come to really appreciate how much my dear friends care for me.
I have always, my whole life, had this fear in my head that the people who "care about me" don't infact care. The care they express is out of convenience. As I think about it, I am struck with the realization, that the idea of selflessness and selfishness, is quite interesting.
There is a time in life when it is required that we be selfish. To base one's life on the needs of other is to leave that individual void of any real joy, for they themselves have not had the opportunity to even consider their own needs. How do we come to determine where the boundary is. How do we go about setting these boundaries with other people? Is there suppose to be some switch that flips when people are over stepping their bounds; Because if so, either I just don't have one, or mine is broke possibly beyond repaire.
This leads my thinking to a specific experience that I've been wanting to record in writing. I am affraid that if I wait to long, I'll forget the details, and my memory will become twisted and misconstrewed.
The Matt experience in January of 09'
Just last month. Right around this date, a month ago.
the crazy ex experience....
Sooo weird.
But alass, it is to late tonight. I must retire my brain. I am so fried from school. :-(
good night blog!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)