This is a poem that I wrote for an assignment in my improvisation class, But I thought that some people might appreciate the opportunity to read it. :)
A lonely road it sometimes seems
this journey we call life.
With it's splits, it's twists, and unexpected turns
at times it's easy to feel strife.
Yet through all my troubles
and my darkest of despairs,
I've found there is a light inside
which aids in my repair.
I've had the insight all along
but burried it deep inside.
Thinking I could manage on my own
I was hiding behind my pride.
But in my darkest moments
when all my hope had strayed
I was ready to give up
and let the light inside me fade.
A part of me still holding on
not ready to give up.
For I knew that I was still alive
due to this bitter cup.
With death threatening to take me,
loved ones pleading to let me stay.
The only thing they knew to do
was get on their knees and pray.
And by the Grace of the Alrighty God
I am standing here today.
Now whenever in need in anyway,
I'll always think, "Just Pray"!
Meningitis was awful, but I am so grateful for the growth that I have had from the experience.
I have been given a second chance at life. Carpe Diem! We never know if tomorrow will come, so live today!
Live, Laugh and Love!!!
Mags
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
what is this world coming to?
I have been getting these emails from school informing me of all these crimes that are happening. I am now attending Augsburg, where I did not expect these sort of things to happen, especially as often it has been these last couple weeks. Is it actually students doing these things, or are non students coming into our buildings and stealing people's things!?!?!
I am shocked and appalled!!!
I am shocked and appalled!!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Meningitis. Finally.....
So, I've been thinking tonight that I've been meaning to write a blog about my whole meningitis deal... but I keep putting it off for some reason. Tonight I decided that there is no time like the present. Not to mention if I keep putting it off I'm going to forget more than I already have.
I should also say that this is going to be a series of posts because there is a lot to tell, and a lot of details that will make it worth reading.... I hope!!!
Anyway.
So, I'll start from the beginning and explain all the illness stuff. Following that I will go into other details. While I was sick I was really out of it, delirious really. So my version of what was happening was not reality. It's an interesting part of the whole experience. In addition to all of that there is the stuff that my family told me that is not in my memory.
So here we go.
It all began with a head ache. It's hard to remember exactly how the headache was, but if I remember correctly it was a like a migraine. However, I don't really get migraines. I get headaches occasionally. But not a migraine that I know of. My mother and my sister get migraines and so I figured that it was something that I'm predisposed to getting, it just takes more for me then them. anyway
So I was in Anatomy and Physiology the semester I got sick, and I was really overwhelmed with that class. I had a big video project due for that class the week I got this migraine and so I kept putting off going to the Dr. about it.
see the previous spring I ended up getting a very serious case of mono and was out of school for weeks. The Mono started with a persistent headache that last for at least a week if not more.
So being that I had this persistent headache my parents really wanted me to go to the Dr. I told them that I would go to the Dr. on the weekend after my project was due. In addition to the headache I was super sensitive to light and sound. So I had to wear sunglasses in the video project we made.
moving on.
the day that I told my mom I'd go to the Dr. I woke up with a headache worse than ever. and the second I got up to move I couldn't see straight and I had to balance. I couldn't stand up. I pretty much grabbed anything I could on my way to the couch from my bed so that I wouldn't fall down.
layed down on the couch, and anytime I had to get up, to get a drink or go to the bathroom, I had to puke, so I carried a bag around with me. I was texting my mom. (I'm pretty sure that talking made me need to puke too) So I told my mom what was going on and she told me to tell my dad immediately.
So I texted him, and he called me. Now mind you this was a Sunday, so my dad was at church. He had ridden to church with my sister so she came and dropped him off at my building. I let him in, by somehow managing to get down the hall and stairs to the door. I managed to explain to him how to get down to the garage and where to find my car, and how to come pick me up. All the while I had to pause in my explanation to puke in the bag that I had with me.
My amazing father went down and found my car. drove out of the garage and helped walk me across the street to get into the car.
He then drove me to urgent care at west health in Plymouth.
He ran inside and grabbed me a wheel chair, then helped me into it and wheeled me inside. He wheeled me right up to the desk and I explained to them what was going on. they took my make shift barf bag for a nifty urgent care one. it was like an accordion style deal.... which sterile material that would leak through. Anyway.
The Dr. didn't know what was wrong with me. He had the nurse take blood I think.... I asked a lot of question.... they took my temperature and mine was normal. (to note later, some of my family has a naturally lower temperature than the average 98.7.) The Dr. and gave us a prescription and some pain killer, and told us to come back tomorrow if I didn't feel any better. So we went back to my parents house in Plymouth, and I slept. Well I tried to sleep. I had this sleeping blindfold thing that you get in the kits they give you when you fly first/business class. So mind you I'm wearing this blindfold on all of the car rides, and in all of the waiting rooms, and sitting on the steps outside my apt building in uptown Minneapoli while puking in a bag, waiting for my dad to come pick me up.....
My eyes were so sensitive to light that regular sunglasses couldn't help enough.
Anyway.
So, this is my state. ill, in all sorts of pain, headache that could blow up my brain. and a little bit of relief, but in the sense that the pain is more being blocked by my brain, however the cause for the pain was still present.... if that makes sense.
So, we went back to the Urgent care the next day because I felt just at bad as the day before. The Dr. thought that it was possible I had meningitis. So, he sent me to the emergency room and recommended that they do a spinal tap. It took a bit of a wait to see the Dr. but I finally made it in there. they shot me up with pain killers and they may have possibly hooked me up to an IV.....
So, they pumped me with pain killers again. I believe it was Demerol. To be honest I went to the ER twice and I get the first night and the second night mixed up. so forgive me for my poor memory.
I believe that it was the first night that the Dr. at the ER told me, "It's possible you have meningitis, however if it were bacterial you'd be dead by now, and so given that it's probably viral there's nothing we can really do."
So they sent me home. I was hopeful because the pain killers had really helped.... When I got home my dad told me that my mom was coming up from FL early to take me in to my family practitioner and help take care of me.
The next day I didn't feel any better, in fact I felt worse.
So, I asked my sister to drive me to Urgent care again. They made me wait for an hr before telling me that there was nothing they could do for me and they sent me to the ER.
I believe it was this second trip to the ER that they gave me a CT scan. and I'm positive they hooked me up to an IV the second night as well. They again gave me pain killers and sent me home.
that was Tuesday. My mom came into town on Wednesday, and I slept all day. In serious pain and not any better at all. Again sleeping with an eye mask on because I was so sensitive to light.
Thursday late morning my mom took me into my family practitioner.
again adorned with my super hot blindfold I try to walk into the office building but I am so disoriented with my vision that I can't walk straight. As my mom tried to help me walk in by grabbing onto my arm to steady me, I'm puking off to the other side. She finally got me inside and they came right away with a wheel chair and took me straight into a room. They turned off the lights and turned on a soft dim lamp in the corner. I can't remember if I got onto the exam room bed or if I just sat in the wheel chair. The Dr. game in and asked me questions. That whole experience is really hazy for me. I'll have to ask my mom for more details and touch up on it later.
In the end my physician was going to admit me to the hospital and asked me how I wanted to get there, if I thought I could ride in my mom's car, or if I wanted to ride in the ambulance. I remember at first thinking I could just have my mom drive me. But I changing my mind and wanted to ride in the ambulance. So they got me onto an ambulance bed and loaded me into the bus. I'm pretty sure they gave me pain killers and kinda knocked me out. My memory black-out starts before I actually got to the hospital. The next two weeks are not clear to me, and what I thought was happening, in my strange memories from the delirium.... not accurate. I'll go into that in another post at a later date. But it's weird crazy stuff. It is truly insane to experience brain malfunctions due to illness.
The first real memories I have are of church people coming to visit me.
I think their presence helped heal me. I'm convinced. I know there were a lot of prayers said on my behalf, and I have no doubt that they were heard and contributed to my healing.
I remember Carol and Steve Hansen, Brenda Armstrong, and Staci Schneider; a little later President and sister Bautista came to visit me as well. Those are the church people I can remember at the moment. However I know that other people came to visit me as well, including Linda Sarles, and Frank and Jake Hartranft. Others might have come as well, but in my memory right now, this is what I've come up with. If I remember others I'll edit.
Anyway.
I had a few other friends that came to visit me. Jenna Garlock, Andrew Herkert, and Alley Baer came to see me as well. and I know that their positive juju contributed to my healing as well.
Alright, that's as far as I can go for tonight. But not too bad I'd say....
I hope I didn't ramble on with irrelevant details.....
If you have any questions feel free to ask. :)
also, keep in mind that this is a really rough draft of this entry. I plan to come back to later and edit so it has a better flow. :)
thanks
thats all.
I should also say that this is going to be a series of posts because there is a lot to tell, and a lot of details that will make it worth reading.... I hope!!!
Anyway.
So, I'll start from the beginning and explain all the illness stuff. Following that I will go into other details. While I was sick I was really out of it, delirious really. So my version of what was happening was not reality. It's an interesting part of the whole experience. In addition to all of that there is the stuff that my family told me that is not in my memory.
So here we go.
It all began with a head ache. It's hard to remember exactly how the headache was, but if I remember correctly it was a like a migraine. However, I don't really get migraines. I get headaches occasionally. But not a migraine that I know of. My mother and my sister get migraines and so I figured that it was something that I'm predisposed to getting, it just takes more for me then them. anyway
So I was in Anatomy and Physiology the semester I got sick, and I was really overwhelmed with that class. I had a big video project due for that class the week I got this migraine and so I kept putting off going to the Dr. about it.
see the previous spring I ended up getting a very serious case of mono and was out of school for weeks. The Mono started with a persistent headache that last for at least a week if not more.
So being that I had this persistent headache my parents really wanted me to go to the Dr. I told them that I would go to the Dr. on the weekend after my project was due. In addition to the headache I was super sensitive to light and sound. So I had to wear sunglasses in the video project we made.
moving on.
the day that I told my mom I'd go to the Dr. I woke up with a headache worse than ever. and the second I got up to move I couldn't see straight and I had to balance. I couldn't stand up. I pretty much grabbed anything I could on my way to the couch from my bed so that I wouldn't fall down.
layed down on the couch, and anytime I had to get up, to get a drink or go to the bathroom, I had to puke, so I carried a bag around with me. I was texting my mom. (I'm pretty sure that talking made me need to puke too) So I told my mom what was going on and she told me to tell my dad immediately.
So I texted him, and he called me. Now mind you this was a Sunday, so my dad was at church. He had ridden to church with my sister so she came and dropped him off at my building. I let him in, by somehow managing to get down the hall and stairs to the door. I managed to explain to him how to get down to the garage and where to find my car, and how to come pick me up. All the while I had to pause in my explanation to puke in the bag that I had with me.
My amazing father went down and found my car. drove out of the garage and helped walk me across the street to get into the car.
He then drove me to urgent care at west health in Plymouth.
He ran inside and grabbed me a wheel chair, then helped me into it and wheeled me inside. He wheeled me right up to the desk and I explained to them what was going on. they took my make shift barf bag for a nifty urgent care one. it was like an accordion style deal.... which sterile material that would leak through. Anyway.
The Dr. didn't know what was wrong with me. He had the nurse take blood I think.... I asked a lot of question.... they took my temperature and mine was normal. (to note later, some of my family has a naturally lower temperature than the average 98.7.) The Dr. and gave us a prescription and some pain killer, and told us to come back tomorrow if I didn't feel any better. So we went back to my parents house in Plymouth, and I slept. Well I tried to sleep. I had this sleeping blindfold thing that you get in the kits they give you when you fly first/business class. So mind you I'm wearing this blindfold on all of the car rides, and in all of the waiting rooms, and sitting on the steps outside my apt building in uptown Minneapoli while puking in a bag, waiting for my dad to come pick me up.....
My eyes were so sensitive to light that regular sunglasses couldn't help enough.
Anyway.
So, this is my state. ill, in all sorts of pain, headache that could blow up my brain. and a little bit of relief, but in the sense that the pain is more being blocked by my brain, however the cause for the pain was still present.... if that makes sense.
So, we went back to the Urgent care the next day because I felt just at bad as the day before. The Dr. thought that it was possible I had meningitis. So, he sent me to the emergency room and recommended that they do a spinal tap. It took a bit of a wait to see the Dr. but I finally made it in there. they shot me up with pain killers and they may have possibly hooked me up to an IV.....
So, they pumped me with pain killers again. I believe it was Demerol. To be honest I went to the ER twice and I get the first night and the second night mixed up. so forgive me for my poor memory.
I believe that it was the first night that the Dr. at the ER told me, "It's possible you have meningitis, however if it were bacterial you'd be dead by now, and so given that it's probably viral there's nothing we can really do."
So they sent me home. I was hopeful because the pain killers had really helped.... When I got home my dad told me that my mom was coming up from FL early to take me in to my family practitioner and help take care of me.
The next day I didn't feel any better, in fact I felt worse.
So, I asked my sister to drive me to Urgent care again. They made me wait for an hr before telling me that there was nothing they could do for me and they sent me to the ER.
I believe it was this second trip to the ER that they gave me a CT scan. and I'm positive they hooked me up to an IV the second night as well. They again gave me pain killers and sent me home.
that was Tuesday. My mom came into town on Wednesday, and I slept all day. In serious pain and not any better at all. Again sleeping with an eye mask on because I was so sensitive to light.
Thursday late morning my mom took me into my family practitioner.
again adorned with my super hot blindfold I try to walk into the office building but I am so disoriented with my vision that I can't walk straight. As my mom tried to help me walk in by grabbing onto my arm to steady me, I'm puking off to the other side. She finally got me inside and they came right away with a wheel chair and took me straight into a room. They turned off the lights and turned on a soft dim lamp in the corner. I can't remember if I got onto the exam room bed or if I just sat in the wheel chair. The Dr. game in and asked me questions. That whole experience is really hazy for me. I'll have to ask my mom for more details and touch up on it later.
In the end my physician was going to admit me to the hospital and asked me how I wanted to get there, if I thought I could ride in my mom's car, or if I wanted to ride in the ambulance. I remember at first thinking I could just have my mom drive me. But I changing my mind and wanted to ride in the ambulance. So they got me onto an ambulance bed and loaded me into the bus. I'm pretty sure they gave me pain killers and kinda knocked me out. My memory black-out starts before I actually got to the hospital. The next two weeks are not clear to me, and what I thought was happening, in my strange memories from the delirium.... not accurate. I'll go into that in another post at a later date. But it's weird crazy stuff. It is truly insane to experience brain malfunctions due to illness.
The first real memories I have are of church people coming to visit me.
I think their presence helped heal me. I'm convinced. I know there were a lot of prayers said on my behalf, and I have no doubt that they were heard and contributed to my healing.
I remember Carol and Steve Hansen, Brenda Armstrong, and Staci Schneider; a little later President and sister Bautista came to visit me as well. Those are the church people I can remember at the moment. However I know that other people came to visit me as well, including Linda Sarles, and Frank and Jake Hartranft. Others might have come as well, but in my memory right now, this is what I've come up with. If I remember others I'll edit.
Anyway.
I had a few other friends that came to visit me. Jenna Garlock, Andrew Herkert, and Alley Baer came to see me as well. and I know that their positive juju contributed to my healing as well.
Alright, that's as far as I can go for tonight. But not too bad I'd say....
I hope I didn't ramble on with irrelevant details.....
If you have any questions feel free to ask. :)
also, keep in mind that this is a really rough draft of this entry. I plan to come back to later and edit so it has a better flow. :)
thanks
thats all.
Monday, August 16, 2010
What's with the vicious cycles?!?
All of my family members have taken the time in their life to get to know themselves before they have taken a spouse. In a world that has been changed from interpersonal to technological how are we expected to have the same success in relationships as those before us. Women of history had men coming to their windows serenading them with music and declarations of love and lust. Today, what do we women get? A text that says "what's up?" I ask, how is that fair? How is a person suppose to be able to read between the lines when they literally only have lines to read?....
I have become overwhelmed by the demand of keeping my feelings and thoughts bottled up. Hidden and buried inside, constantly threatening to surface in one large explosion of all those little things I should have said.
So now I am left facing yet another departing "might have been" relationship before it ever came to fruition. And again I am haunted by the question, "what did I do?" Of course those close to me say, "it wasn't you." But if it repeatedly happens, then what is it that I do to push people away? Even the most honest people can't seem to handle my honesty.
Then, Back to Becky it is... Obviously.
At least I've made giant strides. I recognize what is happening and I'm being proactive about it. I refuse to ruminate or feel bad for myself. What am I doing, what can I change, and how do I go about doing that?!? This is life. I can't keep making the same choices and expect different results. SO I learn, and I grow, and I try to become a better person. I'm working towards the woman I want to be come. Unfortunately it doesn't happen over night. I can only improve a day at a time....
But I'm committed. I'm dedicated. I'm ready to take action.
I have become overwhelmed by the demand of keeping my feelings and thoughts bottled up. Hidden and buried inside, constantly threatening to surface in one large explosion of all those little things I should have said.
So now I am left facing yet another departing "might have been" relationship before it ever came to fruition. And again I am haunted by the question, "what did I do?" Of course those close to me say, "it wasn't you." But if it repeatedly happens, then what is it that I do to push people away? Even the most honest people can't seem to handle my honesty.
Then, Back to Becky it is... Obviously.
At least I've made giant strides. I recognize what is happening and I'm being proactive about it. I refuse to ruminate or feel bad for myself. What am I doing, what can I change, and how do I go about doing that?!? This is life. I can't keep making the same choices and expect different results. SO I learn, and I grow, and I try to become a better person. I'm working towards the woman I want to be come. Unfortunately it doesn't happen over night. I can only improve a day at a time....
But I'm committed. I'm dedicated. I'm ready to take action.
Friday, February 26, 2010
A life with ADHD, depression, anxiety, and what else?..
I don't know if this will ever be of interest to anyone. Or if my words are even entertaining to read. I know I go off on wild tangents and find myself 1,000 miles in a completely different direction before I can put on the breaks and try to retrace my steps in a way that other people understand my peculiar connection. I'm not sure how other people my age, with these different influences, feel the way that I do about the world around me and where I fit in to it.
I find myself realizing different challenges that I have, that seem to be no problem for other people. It's difficult for me to deal with people who have certain knowledge regarding social conduct, and the way the world works, and they just choose to ignore it.
Who are these people running around. just milling away on their regular schedule, with habitual things, they always tend to do. We are creatures of habit. Although, as I'm learning, these habits are good. They are an instinct of survival. there are certain things we need to do to survive in the world. everyday we need to asses what our work is that day for how to move forward in the end goal. survival. pay the bills, do laundry, clean, socialize/human contact, etc.
I have all these things running in my head. do this, and that. just like everyone else. But they all moving around so quickly, interrupted by 'this noise' which leads to 'a thought' which jumps to that one, and over there, and up, and down. without medication I would not be as productive in school as I am right now. and I don't work, nor am I taking a full credit load for the U of M, by petition through the disabilities services.
I'm an intelligent, bright, attractive, charismatic young woman. My mental process is different than what would be considered normal.
As a young kid, I was all over the place. on Medication since I was just a little one. I'm sure I needed it, which was not something that I have always felt. As I have gotten older I've started to understand what I need to learn differently from others, or work harder at, as well as what things come more easily to me, and how as well as where I excel.
anyway. I got off track. Go figure. So me!!
I'm going to start writing this blog to document my life. my reflections on what's going on around me. I'd really like to emphasize how I'm learning about how I need to adapt and find better methods for learning through the different disorders and such. How I think about the world around me. Perhaps it might be found useful some day, as a comparison to how other people think to themselves, privately. Their inner thoughts. a memoir [of] private thoughts. Ya know, a sign of psychosis is that you believe everyone can hear and therefore knows your thoughts. ... is it weird to think that my thoughts might be found valuable by someone in the future in regards to ADHD, dysthymia, or sleeping issues research..... I'm sure it is. But Maybe that person will be me, and this way I have paved a way for myself to use my own life as a template from which to create a spectrum. who knows. But for some reason I just feel that it is important.
Life dealing with these mental head games is no fun. I won't lie. However, you won't really find me complaining about not being able to concentrate either. I'm usually too busy trying to concentrate. just kidding.
This whole blog idea, if I keep it up which I REALLY hope I do and am imaging myself doing it for the future, is to keep a record of my thoughts and impressions of my adjustments to life, my developments, my revelations, and use these records to spread understanding, if anyone cares to keep up with my sillyness. However I in no way intend for this blog to be a pitty me, whoa is my and my life. That is not what this is about. I am a pretty, white, classy, suburb raised lady, and I had it really good. I have great parents, and a wonderful family. However, just like any family or anyone's bringing up, perfection is non existent. The purpose of all this is to inform anyone interested other than myself, the way that my brain processes.
it's late. and I need sleep. I see myself keeping up with this blog. so I'll blog with you all soooon. blum blum blum.
magPie
Friday, March 27, 2009
Probably wishes he Hadn't asked.
Just this last week my very first serious, longterm, ex-boyfriend messaged me on myspace inquiring why I wrote a song about him that I have posted on my music page.
The lyrics of the song are as follows:
Time and time again you try to get in touch with me
but I've told you time and time again, don't f**kin' talk to me
I loath you
cause you're a worth less piece of shit.
If you really knew how I felt
you couldn't handle it
Get away
leave me alone
and that's really all you need to know.
Stay out of my Life
and leave me alone
That's really all you need to know.
I don't see what part of "leave me alone"
you don't understand
I walked out and left and said it's forever
so accept it like a man.
I loath you
cause you're a worthless piece of shit
If you really knew how I felt
you couldn't handle it.
Get away
Just leave me alone
that's really all you need to know
Stay out of my life
and just leave me alone
that's really all you need to know
There's still so much damage
I'm still tryin' to repair
from all the fucked up things you did
while pretending that you cared.
There's nothing you can do
to fix what you did.
I've said this so many time
why can't you just get over it.
And GET Away!....
Chorus..... blah blah blahbidy blah....
So this is the message Tyler sent me:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: $ TDUB $
To: Maggie Faleschini [Is writing a new album]
Date: Mar 18, 2009 4:39 PM
Subject: mags...
Well so much has changed since last time we talked... I wanted to know if you would plz.
tell me what made u write that song "you need to know"
-------------------------
Really Tyler? You really need to ask what I meant by the fuckin' song?!?!?!?! I wrote this song 2 years ago. Sure we talked on the phone like 4 months ago. Sure it was a "pleasant" conversation.... But You know what our relationship was like. You were in it!!! Hello. Just because we talked doesn't mean that I want to all of a sudden be special "great friend".... Negitive
What follows is my very blunt and honest response to his absurd message:
Oh Tyler,
where do I even begin to explain the inspiration for the song I wrote. I suppose a lot of my incentive came during that period of time when I made it oh so very clear that I wanted nothing to do with you, and yet you kept calling and calling and calling.
Another muse was the fact that then and still now, you refuse to acknowledge soooo many of the awful disrespectful, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and completely fucked up shit that you did to me during the course of our relationship.
You claimed to love me, and yet your actions told me otherwise. Despite this evidence, for some reason I wanted to believe that your intentions were genuine.... and that you just didn't understand what you were doing.... However, as time has gone on it's become more clear to me HOW aware you were of what you were doing, and yet you willingly hurt me over and over again.
Time and Time again I allowed myself to be completely torn down emotionally by you. I let you bruise and batter my confidence in every way that you knew how. And man, the number you did on me.
After a great deal of distance I came to realize how fatal our relationship had been to my soul.
More than anything I wanted you to leave me the Fuck alone so that I could heal and move on, and no longer feel the HATE in my heart that I had for you. A hate that any thought of you brought boiling back up to the surface. You knew that if you didn't leave me alone, I wouldn't be able to truly move on. In a sense, that song was my PLEA to you, to let me go, and understand that there's NO future for us. EVER!
In a nut shell.... that is why I wrote that song about you, to you, or what have you....
I'm sure you now wish you hadn't asked. But you reap what you sew. You always wanted me to be honest with you, but I was too afraid back then. I'm not so fragile or afraid anymore! :-) Thank GOD!
----------------------------
THe end of my silly ridiculous story, that perhaps someday someone might stumble upon and bask the oopportunity to observe the stupidity of people who are just "NOT Right in the HEAD"!!!!!!!!
MagPie out.
The lyrics of the song are as follows:
Time and time again you try to get in touch with me
but I've told you time and time again, don't f**kin' talk to me
I loath you
cause you're a worth less piece of shit.
If you really knew how I felt
you couldn't handle it
Get away
leave me alone
and that's really all you need to know.
Stay out of my Life
and leave me alone
That's really all you need to know.
I don't see what part of "leave me alone"
you don't understand
I walked out and left and said it's forever
so accept it like a man.
I loath you
cause you're a worthless piece of shit
If you really knew how I felt
you couldn't handle it.
Get away
Just leave me alone
that's really all you need to know
Stay out of my life
and just leave me alone
that's really all you need to know
There's still so much damage
I'm still tryin' to repair
from all the fucked up things you did
while pretending that you cared.
There's nothing you can do
to fix what you did.
I've said this so many time
why can't you just get over it.
And GET Away!....
Chorus..... blah blah blahbidy blah....
So this is the message Tyler sent me:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: $ TDUB $
To: Maggie Faleschini [Is writing a new album]
Date: Mar 18, 2009 4:39 PM
Subject: mags...
Well so much has changed since last time we talked... I wanted to know if you would plz.
tell me what made u write that song "you need to know"
-------------------------
Really Tyler? You really need to ask what I meant by the fuckin' song?!?!?!?! I wrote this song 2 years ago. Sure we talked on the phone like 4 months ago. Sure it was a "pleasant" conversation.... But You know what our relationship was like. You were in it!!! Hello. Just because we talked doesn't mean that I want to all of a sudden be special "great friend".... Negitive
What follows is my very blunt and honest response to his absurd message:
Oh Tyler,
where do I even begin to explain the inspiration for the song I wrote. I suppose a lot of my incentive came during that period of time when I made it oh so very clear that I wanted nothing to do with you, and yet you kept calling and calling and calling.
Another muse was the fact that then and still now, you refuse to acknowledge soooo many of the awful disrespectful, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and completely fucked up shit that you did to me during the course of our relationship.
You claimed to love me, and yet your actions told me otherwise. Despite this evidence, for some reason I wanted to believe that your intentions were genuine.... and that you just didn't understand what you were doing.... However, as time has gone on it's become more clear to me HOW aware you were of what you were doing, and yet you willingly hurt me over and over again.
Time and Time again I allowed myself to be completely torn down emotionally by you. I let you bruise and batter my confidence in every way that you knew how. And man, the number you did on me.
After a great deal of distance I came to realize how fatal our relationship had been to my soul.
More than anything I wanted you to leave me the Fuck alone so that I could heal and move on, and no longer feel the HATE in my heart that I had for you. A hate that any thought of you brought boiling back up to the surface. You knew that if you didn't leave me alone, I wouldn't be able to truly move on. In a sense, that song was my PLEA to you, to let me go, and understand that there's NO future for us. EVER!
In a nut shell.... that is why I wrote that song about you, to you, or what have you....
I'm sure you now wish you hadn't asked. But you reap what you sew. You always wanted me to be honest with you, but I was too afraid back then. I'm not so fragile or afraid anymore! :-) Thank GOD!
----------------------------
THe end of my silly ridiculous story, that perhaps someday someone might stumble upon and bask the oopportunity to observe the stupidity of people who are just "NOT Right in the HEAD"!!!!!!!!
MagPie out.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Straight Forward
I desperately try to be a person that is eloquently articulate, concise, and still unique. I communicate the best way that I know how, but I know that I am not always 100% successful. I really try and learn from my mistakes, and grow, and change and move closer to the Me that I can see in Head, the ME that I so desperately want to be....
But nothing cant be instantaneous. Learning takes time. Changing takes time.
I am not a fan of flakiness. It is something that really really bothers me. I feel rejected when people flake on me. And it's 10 fold when they don't even bother to inform me that they are going to flake. I know that everyone lames out at times. I am just as guilty of it as the next guy. However, I make a point to let people know that I am not going to make it. It really irritates me when people can't have the respect to just say they're not feelin' it. whatever IT may be.....
Why must some people be so "intentionally confusing?" Almost like that sentence.
I feel dilusional from this Ulcer thing that's going on. My throat hurts, like my glands are inflamed. With that, my brain is just out of it, my stomach, esophagus has calmed down, and doesn't hurt so much any more, but my whole body still hurts. I know I should call Dr. Abel....
I'm sure having an intense session with him would snap me back into shape. haha Yes. Pun intended.
I am going to sleep for a bit, and hopefully be ale to wake up in time to get a hold of Dr. Abel. Then I'm going to be studying until I hang out with Chris around 9/10.
And that will be my day.
I have the journal article review dealy... and I can't even find a freakin' article thus far.
I have going over the Italian stuff we did today that I skipped out on
I need to buy my plane tickets.
I need to buy a microphone
I need to do my reading for my politics class
and I need to do my reading for Music Therapy
Make flash cards
UGH!!!! SOOOO MUCH TO DO!!! I want to die.
dying would be easier than all this stress and anxiety
and pain my body is in from internalizing everything. I am so frustratred with my life, who I am, Why am I so anxious. suspitious. god damn
I feel so on edge all the time. and it's complete wearing me out!
I don't know that I can handle normal life.
Like everyone else can. And that's really scary!
But nothing cant be instantaneous. Learning takes time. Changing takes time.
I am not a fan of flakiness. It is something that really really bothers me. I feel rejected when people flake on me. And it's 10 fold when they don't even bother to inform me that they are going to flake. I know that everyone lames out at times. I am just as guilty of it as the next guy. However, I make a point to let people know that I am not going to make it. It really irritates me when people can't have the respect to just say they're not feelin' it. whatever IT may be.....
Why must some people be so "intentionally confusing?" Almost like that sentence.
I feel dilusional from this Ulcer thing that's going on. My throat hurts, like my glands are inflamed. With that, my brain is just out of it, my stomach, esophagus has calmed down, and doesn't hurt so much any more, but my whole body still hurts. I know I should call Dr. Abel....
I'm sure having an intense session with him would snap me back into shape. haha Yes. Pun intended.
I am going to sleep for a bit, and hopefully be ale to wake up in time to get a hold of Dr. Abel. Then I'm going to be studying until I hang out with Chris around 9/10.
And that will be my day.
I have the journal article review dealy... and I can't even find a freakin' article thus far.
I have going over the Italian stuff we did today that I skipped out on
I need to buy my plane tickets.
I need to buy a microphone
I need to do my reading for my politics class
and I need to do my reading for Music Therapy
Make flash cards
UGH!!!! SOOOO MUCH TO DO!!! I want to die.
dying would be easier than all this stress and anxiety
and pain my body is in from internalizing everything. I am so frustratred with my life, who I am, Why am I so anxious. suspitious. god damn
I feel so on edge all the time. and it's complete wearing me out!
I don't know that I can handle normal life.
Like everyone else can. And that's really scary!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)