Probably wishes he Hadn't asked.

Just this last week my very first serious, longterm, ex-boyfriend messaged me on myspace inquiring why I wrote a song about him that I have posted on my music page.
The lyrics of the song are as follows:

Time and time again you try to get in touch with me
but I've told you time and time again, don't f**kin' talk to me
I loath you
cause you're a worth less piece of shit.
If you really knew how I felt
you couldn't handle it

Get away
leave me alone
and that's really all you need to know.
Stay out of my Life
and leave me alone
That's really all you need to know.

I don't see what part of "leave me alone"
you don't understand
I walked out and left and said it's forever
so accept it like a man.
I loath you
cause you're a worthless piece of shit
If you really knew how I felt
you couldn't handle it.

Get away
Just leave me alone
that's really all you need to know
Stay out of my life
and just leave me alone
that's really all you need to know

There's still so much damage
I'm still tryin' to repair
from all the fucked up things you did
while pretending that you cared.
There's nothing you can do
to fix what you did.
I've said this so many time
why can't you just get over it.

And GET Away!....
Chorus..... blah blah blahbidy blah....

So this is the message Tyler sent me:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: $ TDUB $
To: Maggie Faleschini [Is writing a new album]
Date: Mar 18, 2009 4:39 PM
Subject: mags...


Well so much has changed since last time we talked... I wanted to know if you would plz.
tell me what made u write that song "you need to know"


-------------------------

Really Tyler? You really need to ask what I meant by the fuckin' song?!?!?!?! I wrote this song 2 years ago. Sure we talked on the phone like 4 months ago. Sure it was a "pleasant" conversation.... But You know what our relationship was like. You were in it!!! Hello. Just because we talked doesn't mean that I want to all of a sudden be special "great friend".... Negitive

What follows is my very blunt and honest response to his absurd message:

Oh Tyler,
where do I even begin to explain the inspiration for the song I wrote. I suppose a lot of my incentive came during that period of time when I made it oh so very clear that I wanted nothing to do with you, and yet you kept calling and calling and calling.
Another muse was the fact that then and still now, you refuse to acknowledge soooo many of the awful disrespectful, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and completely fucked up shit that you did to me during the course of our relationship.
You claimed to love me, and yet your actions told me otherwise. Despite this evidence, for some reason I wanted to believe that your intentions were genuine.... and that you just didn't understand what you were doing.... However, as time has gone on it's become more clear to me HOW aware you were of what you were doing, and yet you willingly hurt me over and over again.
Time and Time again I allowed myself to be completely torn down emotionally by you. I let you bruise and batter my confidence in every way that you knew how. And man, the number you did on me.
After a great deal of distance I came to realize how fatal our relationship had been to my soul.
More than anything I wanted you to leave me the Fuck alone so that I could heal and move on, and no longer feel the HATE in my heart that I had for you. A hate that any thought of you brought boiling back up to the surface. You knew that if you didn't leave me alone, I wouldn't be able to truly move on. In a sense, that song was my PLEA to you, to let me go, and understand that there's NO future for us. EVER!

In a nut shell.... that is why I wrote that song about you, to you, or what have you....

I'm sure you now wish you hadn't asked. But you reap what you sew. You always wanted me to be honest with you, but I was too afraid back then. I'm not so fragile or afraid anymore! :-) Thank GOD!

----------------------------

THe end of my silly ridiculous story, that perhaps someday someone might stumble upon and bask the oopportunity to observe the stupidity of people who are just "NOT Right in the HEAD"!!!!!!!!

MagPie out.

Straight Forward

I desperately try to be a person that is eloquently articulate, concise, and still unique. I communicate the best way that I know how, but I know that I am not always 100% successful. I really try and learn from my mistakes, and grow, and change and move closer to the Me that I can see in Head, the ME that I so desperately want to be....
But nothing cant be instantaneous. Learning takes time. Changing takes time.

I am not a fan of flakiness. It is something that really really bothers me. I feel rejected when people flake on me. And it's 10 fold when they don't even bother to inform me that they are going to flake. I know that everyone lames out at times. I am just as guilty of it as the next guy. However, I make a point to let people know that I am not going to make it. It really irritates me when people can't have the respect to just say they're not feelin' it. whatever IT may be.....

Why must some people be so "intentionally confusing?" Almost like that sentence.

I feel dilusional from this Ulcer thing that's going on. My throat hurts, like my glands are inflamed. With that, my brain is just out of it, my stomach, esophagus has calmed down, and doesn't hurt so much any more, but my whole body still hurts. I know I should call Dr. Abel....
I'm sure having an intense session with him would snap me back into shape. haha Yes. Pun intended.

I am going to sleep for a bit, and hopefully be ale to wake up in time to get a hold of Dr. Abel. Then I'm going to be studying until I hang out with Chris around 9/10.

And that will be my day.
I have the journal article review dealy... and I can't even find a freakin' article thus far.
I have going over the Italian stuff we did today that I skipped out on
I need to buy my plane tickets.
I need to buy a microphone
I need to do my reading for my politics class
and I need to do my reading for Music Therapy
Make flash cards
UGH!!!! SOOOO MUCH TO DO!!! I want to die.
dying would be easier than all this stress and anxiety
and pain my body is in from internalizing everything. I am so frustratred with my life, who I am, Why am I so anxious. suspitious. god damn
I feel so on edge all the time. and it's complete wearing me out!
I don't know that I can handle normal life.
Like everyone else can. And that's really scary!

Curtious is

I'm back on track again.
I'm about MagPie. Not anyone else. Not Abe, not Matt, not Chris, or Kegan. It's not even about Katie, Bree, Saleit, Jake, or Mom OR Becky for that matter. It's about me!

I got the image of the trail along the beach in my head again yesterday day when I was at the gym running. It totally helped me center myself. I Love the idea of this Beach house and this path along the beach! even if it were a wooded "walk-way" built above whatever... or a platform for steady footing, as well as to preserve the wild/natural roughage.

I really do need to paint this image I see in my head. Well, I suppose I don't have to limit it to ONE image. I can have as many as I want; it's my ideal fantasy after all! It's MY goal to work toward. Even if it mean taking action in developmental planning to make it possible! Or even if I have to Build my own house with my own hands, or remodel an already existing one, so that it has those french doors, the balconies and patios, as well as the enormous rap around porch on the first level, with fire pits, and rollers, and swings, and hammocks! A hot tub/jacuzzi with a waterfall flowing into the pool. A fairly tropical theme.

All these details I have up in my head of my ideals..... It's so bizarre to realize that, and to then connect why even though I try to not have expectation of people and situations, and Life.... I unconsciously do. And so when things don't go how I would have them idealy be, I become upset.... What I need to do is to accept that life has NO guarantees. Nothing is certain, nothing is truly in my control, no matter how much I try and manipulate. There fore. I can only keep doing what makes ME happy, and will move me closer achieve my goals,; As well as accepts what life throws at me as an opportunity to learn something new about life, myself, and the human condition. :-)

All apart of my book.
How running helps me find myself. It was once I started running, it changed me. I reflect more clearly and accurately, I am more reasonable with myself and what I should expect of myself, and what I'm truly content with others expecting from me. Finding the line that allows MagPie to take care of MagPie.

That's it for now. On to studying Intro to Music Therapy for my test tomorrow! Yay! :-/

MagPie

should be doin

I should be adding to my story of the crazy ex fiasco from january. However, I am not really feeling like going into that story.

I was thinking about Abe today. I was reflecting on all the nasty things that he has said to me over the last few months.
I wonder where these aweful things came from.
I find it hard to believe that the same person who told me I'm much prettier than he expected, can turn around and a month later tell me that my "extra weight" and acne make me no worthy of dating.
It seems so cruel of him. It's one thing to be honest, and let someone know that you really don't see a potential between you. It's completely different to intentionally hurt someone to make them feel like they as a person are not worthy of being cared about.
I use to weigh a lot more than I do now. There was a time when my solution to this was eating and eating, and following my meal with a finger dessert. I have spent the last year and half changing my life style and habbits to be a much healthier person. It's made me who I am, it was a long and difficult road to get where I am. And I know it's not going to be easy from here on either. I have changed myself for the better. It makes me sad that Abe can't recognize a person who is invested in their own future and making them self a better person.
The thing I make up about this, is that he is either such a narcicst that he actually doesn't even believe that he has faults himself, or he is so uncomfortable with facing his short comings that it is easier for him to point out my faults and criticize me instead of trying to improve himself.

How dare he tell me I have a "beer gut" - In my opinion, I am in better shape than he is!!!! and I'm pretty sure he's aware of that fact himself!
As for the acne issue. Not acne really. A bacterial infection from stress and chemical/hormonal imbalances in my body. Not to mention that I was doing everything I could to treat it, and it only got worse before it got better. To criticize me for something that I really don't have any control over, and is so superficial and certainly doesn't define me, is so shallow and petty. I was taking medicine for my face, doing 30 min light treatments at a laser clinic, and washing/treating my skin topically 3-4 times a day. I wouldn't leave my apartment for a week at the very least, because I couldn't let anyone see my face that way. To make an assumption about me with out taking the time to ask about it, or even get to know me as a person.
If that's what makes him feel better about being shallow and superficial.... well, to each their own.
I am only happy that I didn't waste too much of my time wondering what is wrong with me. Why he wouldn't want me....
Realisticly I didn't want him. He worked so hard to get "convince" me of his genuine intentions. He texted me day after day, all day long, out of control. And I wasn't necessarily into it at first. He tricked me into considering that he could be everything he "says" he is.
Where's the proof.
There is none!
He could be some circus clown, and he's out of town all the time because he's touring with the circus. How would I know?! hahaha I mean, that sounds so obsurd, and really not realistic, but in all reality, who knows.

All I know is that Abraham is a cold, manipulative, mean spirited duesh bag! And he's possibly one of the most selfish people I have ever met. Which is so sad, because I necessarily think that he is that way. However, all my experiences with him have shown me Abe's true colors. And they are very dark and jaded. Which makes me really sad. I really believed that I liked him.

The Great Book Idea

So I've been talking about this book I want to write. The topic mainly being, online dating and how ridiculous it has all turned out for me so far.
from guys who reminded me so much of my brother that I couldn't imagine kissing him, to a raging narcissist who would criticize my every fault and even make things up to bring me down.

I need to start recording my thoughts that I want to include in this book I keep talking about. So I figure now is as good a time as any to start putting this stuff down and letting people read some of the absolute craziness that most certainly DID in fact happen to me.
Now that I think about this whole book idea though,
I want to incorporate it with my book idea of "Running Into Myself"

Honestly, as much bull shit as I went though with all those different guys.... I learned volumes of life lessons, that I know I will never need to learn again. These experiences, some of them being horrible depressinly debilitating heart breaks, have all made me who I am.
I certainly don't claim to be some great Humanitarian, and selfless advocate for those in need. However, I do what I can, when I can. I refuse to allow myself, to go through life basing how much I accomplish, my value, or worth on what anybody else thinks, or has to say.

This isn't to say that I don't love my family and friends, and do what I can to be open to receive their advice and help. My family has been a huge part of instilling this desire to help others. My whole family is full of people with enormous hearts, who would give the shirt off their back to help another. With out my families support in life, I wouldn't have made it to the ripe old age of 23.
Wow that sounds so old. 23. How am I 23? I'm just baffled

Back to the stuff
My family is important, and I love and respect each member of my family for their own unique reason. They all have so much to offer whatever soul is blessed enough to receive it. I have a family full of amazing role models. As of late I have come to really appreciate how much my dear friends care for me.
I have always, my whole life, had this fear in my head that the people who "care about me" don't infact care. The care they express is out of convenience. As I think about it, I am struck with the realization, that the idea of selflessness and selfishness, is quite interesting.
There is a time in life when it is required that we be selfish. To base one's life on the needs of other is to leave that individual void of any real joy, for they themselves have not had the opportunity to even consider their own needs. How do we come to determine where the boundary is. How do we go about setting these boundaries with other people? Is there suppose to be some switch that flips when people are over stepping their bounds; Because if so, either I just don't have one, or mine is broke possibly beyond repaire.

This leads my thinking to a specific experience that I've been wanting to record in writing. I am affraid that if I wait to long, I'll forget the details, and my memory will become twisted and misconstrewed.
The Matt experience in January of 09'
Just last month. Right around this date, a month ago.
the crazy ex experience....
Sooo weird.
But alass, it is to late tonight. I must retire my brain. I am so fried from school. :-(
good night blog!